REconceiveIT

A journal of imagination, experience, and discovery

Iniquity is the inversion of humanity. The reaching point where sinning no longer feels like sin. It is the embodiment of a sinful nature fully manifested.  A transformation of humanity where sin is the natural state and repentance is a crime against nature.

Welcome to my story.

“It didn’t start out this way. Not at all. I didn’t start out this way. I am what changed. There is nothing and nobody to blame but myself. The drugs didn’t change. The alcohol didn’t change. They continue to do what they’ve always done. This battle is between me and myself. I am the traitor.”

These are the thoughts running through my head as I lay awake in bed, contemplating the madness that was my life. Wallowing in a fear that surpasses understanding, bewildered by insanity that’s too afraid to flush drugs down a toilet. Knowing it would make my life better. Knowing of no logical reason to ever use again. Knowing that I don’t even like it anymore. And yet enslaved to this irrational, life-threatening fear of stopping.

It started with curiosity. I was curious about what it felt like. It obviously had to feel pretty good, otherwise people wouldn’t throw their entire lives away for it.

“I should probably experience it at least one time. I know it’s wrong. I know it’s risky. But I’m not about to throw my whole life away. I just want to know the feeling. To have it logged in my reservoir of experiences. It’s more about research than anything else…”

I can hardly call my first time using drugs a sin. It was innocent. I had no expectation of doing it again. It was a curious exploration of the world around me. But it did far more than satisfy a sense of curiosity. It fulfilled a need. A deep need. It didn’t feel like an escape. It didn’t feel like running away from my life at all. It felt like running home. And it required no effort on my part whatsoever. 

The feeling was logged in my memory bank. But after a while I missed the feeling. I knew to do it again would be to cross a line. To do it again would have nothing to do with curiosity. Quite the opposite – to do it again would be because I knew exactly what it would do. I knew that it was sin to knowingly meet this particular need outside of God – this specific need that God planted in me with a purpose. And this is where my relationship with drugs and alcohol began to directly affect my relationship with Jesus.

The next few times were sin for sure. Moments of “missing the mark”. Mistakes that could have (and should have) been avoided. But at some point there was no mistake about it. There was a willingness in me to make conflicting decisions against my conscience and propagate disunity within myself. These were transgressions of my heart. 

Addiction at this transgressional level is primarily a private endeavor as career, relationship, and health have not yet deteriorated. The lie is not yet known as truth but there is certainly a mustard seed of faith in it. And there is still some kind of benefit to be squeezed from the drug that seems somehow worth the cost. Woe to those who venture past this gate.

A fundamental inversion of humanity begins to take shape as the body and soul seek homeostasis. Playing major to sin and minor to righteousness these parts follow a path of least resistance which has shifted. Adaptation to the drug has flattened into a foundation where the body and soul rely on the sin. Sin is required for proper functioning of the new nature. Sin is the natural state and to stop the sin is to propagate disunity. Not sinning is a crime against this nature. This is the iniquity I built into my life. This is the inheritance I generated for my children. This is the final stop before sin becomes death. Goodbye family. Goodbye friends. Goodbye career. Goodbye health. Goodbye life. Goodbye give a damn. There is no longer any lie to believe in. I am the lie. It has become the truth.

This was the bed I laid awake in staring at the ceiling. This was the insanity I needed saving from. This was what denying God looked like. I desired to stop but my desire had no ability. I willed myself to stop but my willpower was powerless. So I prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and prayed for Grace to save me…

…And then one day I felt a tiny, minuscule, little sliver of hope creep in. I knew it would be gone by evening, so I threw everything I had into it. All my chips were in. I squeezed myself into that tiny pin hole at the bottom of my cage. I knew this was my one and only shot at getting out. If I was ever getting out it would have to be here and now. I forced my way in. I was relentless on getting in. God would have to kill me or let me through. The fight in me had died years ago and I was not about to waste a second wind. Turns out this is exactly what Grace looks like sometimes. 

This wind of determination was needed to get through withdrawal. But this was way more than that. Reality had shifted and I believed something new. I believed the impossible. Not by choice. This was given to me. By every definition in the book it was a miracle you will never understand unless you’ve been there. I was human again… I was human again.

I have been sober (human) for years now! I am NOT an alcoholic. I am NOT a drug addict. I have absolutely NO desire for any aspect of that life anymore. The pull is 100% gone, praise Jesus Christ the one and only son of God who died so that sick !@#$*ing thing I became could be nailed to the cross with Him that I might live and be seated with Him in heavenly places to rule and reign with Him in His kingdom forever and ever, hallelujah, AMEN! GLORY TO GOD IN THE HIGHEST!!

To those who have been forgiven like I have been forgiven, you know what I mean!